I did what seems to have become a ritual now, prepare food for the fight day,get my hair plaited and watch Rocky 3.
In the morning I got up and had some porridge and we trekked to the college where the event was being held.
This time around there was a lot more females there for the kickboxing. I kept glancing around wondering which one would I be fighting. I was watching them warm up and they were watching me. It was a watching and waiting game.
It was only me and one other woman from our club who had showed up to compete in this event. No guys, which in a way was kind of cool. My team mate had a great first fight and won. I was quickly up next and I did get a bit intimated by the look of the woman I was fighting because she looked a bit butch and had tattoos. I always scoff at the fighters plastered in tattoos thinking "They are only trying too hard to make themselves look tough," but now here I was leaving this woman affect my mind.
The fight started I charged at her, I started off strong for the first few seconds but when she did actually connect with me I remember thinking, "Oh fuck she's actually strong I better be careful when I kick." She came at me with a flurry almost running me off the mat and then she threw this body kick and I actually admired her kicking technique in my own head at the time! Her kicks didn't hurt me at all, no power in them but her technique was good. I was impressed and also bewildered as I'd been to two tournaments now and although some girls might have good hads, none of them were able to turn into their kicks.
So after I had stopped admiring my opponent I circled out of the trouble before she knocked me the fuck out. The rest of the fight went in a blur to me. I didn't hear a thing! Besides my "Oh strong hands nice kicks" thoughts, I didn't think at all. I never planned anything. I never set anything up. I never worked on a few things that I had been planning to do in the fight. It was so weird, I just fought. My body did it all itself with my mind disconnected. When this 90 second to prove yourself fight was over I had known I had lost. She won it by split decision. I remember the refereee saying to us "That was awesome."
I was pissed with myself . My coach said he had been telling me to teep but I told him I honestly cant hear anything in there. It's quite scarey. I wonder when will I ever get to relax a bit and listen. He said I had been doing a lot of leg kicks but it doesn't matter in these things, they don't score and with the shin pads it's hard to hurt. He said if it was a kicking contest I would have won. Brian said we had a war and I looked at him thinking what is he talking about she beat me around the place.
The chance came up to fight another girl so of course I wanted to redeem myself and quickly jumped back in. This girl had even more tattoos than the last. This one came out swinging punches like there was no tomorrow but with really sloppy technique, she really crowded me and it's the one thing I was really fearing was being overwhelmed like that and not having room to kick. I did get her with a lot of clean big shots straight down the pipe but she ran me off the mat a few times. We tangled up a lot too and I felt so frustrated over not being able to knee her. I felt pretty sure I had won it as she didn't get me with many of her punches but she won by split decision even though I had broken her nose!
I stormed off to the bathroom to cry my eyes out. Not just because of losing two fights in a row but because of many other things. Number 1 being the disappointment I felt in myself. I know in my heart I was a bit better than that first girl but the fight was close so her winning that one wasn't so bad. The second girl I fought though was like fighting someone off the street. She had no technique at all and I left her beat me. Why didn't I do what I had been doing for weeks? Why can't I hear my corner? What the hell was wrong with me? Am I any good at all? Am I only good against girls with no strength?
The second thing was I felt I left my boyfriend down. All the time he put into helping me to prepare for this. The late nights and weekends padding and sparring me in the gym. Was it embarrassing for him to see me fight the way that I did?
The third is my coaches. They had confidence in me to compete in this and probably thought I would go through the girls in my division just like I did last time. Not this time.
I beat myself up in that bathroom so badly. I know I probably trained harder than any of the women that showed up to that tournament. How many of them had extra training with their boyfriend? How many of them sacrificed nights out to train or just to stay in and rest to be able to train the next day? All the running before training and not many others probably bothered to do. I prepared for this like it was a real 3 round fight instead of a 90 second throw as much as you can- doesn't matter if it connects or not thing. If I had just one more round with either of them I believe I could have won it. But there is no more rounds.
Later that evening Brian forced me to watch the fights which I didn't want to see. I was pleasantly surprised by the first one. She didn't beat me around at all. What the hell is going on in my head?? I do think I got her with harder cleaner shots but I guess her coming forward more with hands maybe swung it for her.
The second fight was a joke. Horrible to watch. That girl dragged me down to her level. Just messy looking. I did land clean punches though and feel I should have won that but I'm not proud of that fight. If I had more fight experience I could have hammered her easily. I guess it's good that I left with my nose intact.
It took me a few days to stop leaving the losing consume me. The "I should have", "I could have", "if only" feeling finally left me. It's time to learn from the experience and be ready to fight the butch, the tattood, the strong hands, the nice kicks, and the sloppy brawler for next time.
